Family can be Difficult
by InsertNameHereHasBeenTaken
Summary: Polly and her regiment are off to Ankh-Morpork to help represent Borogravia at a diplomatic summit but what about poor Maladicta when she see's a face from the past? Family can be Difficult, even more so when your a Vampire.
1. Saying no can be Hard

Here is my first ever Discworld Fan fiction hope you love it!

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Saying No Can Be Hard

Polly sighed, trying to read to paperwork in front of her but not taking in more than the first few lines.

_Paperwork? _Whoever heard of a Sargent doing bloody paperwork? That was the Rupert's job not hers, she had even said that to General Frock. Not in those exact words of course, there was way with dealing with officers and usually she was very good at. The problem was that General Frock had been Sergeant Jackrum's Rupert and as such had built up a resistance to a sergeant's _persuasive _tactics. This was deeply annoying for Polly because Rupert's were not supposed to be able to out think sergeants. At least she had talked them out of that bloody stupid uniform with the damn bustle, for practicalities sake she had argued. How the hell was she supposed to run her little lads, or not as the case may be, ragged if their uniforms kept catching?

Polly sighed and leaned back in her chair rubbing her eyes. It was getting late and she had to be up early.

"Boo" was whispered right in her ear

On the inside she jumped a foot but outwardly she said "That stopped being funny about a week after we joined up"

Maladicta laughed quietly as she placed her hands on Polly's shoulders and said "Oh I don't know, I think trying to make you jump should be my mission in un-life"

"Your mission is what I bloody well tell you it is corporal" Polly snapped, but she was smiling.

Maladicta lept to attention and gave a crisp salute saying "Yes Sergeant Perks"

Polly rolled her eyes and said "I thought I ordered the squad to have an early night"

"You did" Maladicta said as she dropped the salute and lounged out on Polly's bed "But Vampires are not at home with early nights. We prefer to find… _other things _to with the time"

Polly stretched and said "No, Mal. Early night"

Maladicta smirked and said "You know I always win this fight Sarg"

Polly looked at the paperwork and then at Maladicta; it really was no choice at all.

Maladicta's smirked broadened as Polly smiled and stood up. Maybe it was a Vampire thing but Polly had never been able to tell her no. Not that she often _wanted_ to.

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Well there is was, not very long I grant you but more chapters are on the way so don't despair and all that jazz. I know there is not much but if anyone can find it in there hearts rate and review and be oh so grateful. I live for feed back.


	2. Early Mornings Suck

Well sorry for the wait and all that but here we go again :) I hope you all like reading it as much as I liked writing it.

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Early Mornings Suck

Polly woke long before dawn, such was the Sergeants lot. If she wasn't up first then who would shout the soldiers out of bed? Or make sure the Rupert actually got up? The air in her small-ish room was icy cold but so was almost everything else before dawn; she yawned and enjoyed deep warmth of a slept-in bed before trying to get up.

Getting up proved a little difficult because Maladicta had her arms wrapped around Polly's waist and was in no mood to let go, she mumbled "No, it's too early"

"Get off and get up" Polly said trying to pry Maladicta's hands off. Damn vampire strength.

"Don't wanna"

"_Now_" Polly said with a little more force.

Maladicta sighed but let go and rolled over burying herself deeper in to the blankets.

"Get up" Polly said as she dressed.

Mal poked her head out from the blanket and asked sullenly "why?"

"Firstly because the privates, and other corporals if I'm any judge, will need shouting out of bed" at this she sighed "even if they are awake they won't get up until some is bellowing in their damn ear".

"That's discipline" Mal said waving a hand dismissively.

Polly raised an eyebrow.

"Their waiting for orders" she said with a grin.

Polly shook her head and went on "secondly we need to be on the road in" she checked the clock "an hour"

Maladicta waved her hand again and said "plenty of time"

"Not when you consider how long it takes that horrible lot to get up, dressed, washed, have their breakfast and make sure everything is loaded" she paused "and how long it takes the damn officers to get ready"

Maladicta grinned and said "ok I'll give you that one"

"And final my dear Mal" Polly said as she buckled on her belt "because I am your bloody sergeant and I damn well gave you an order corporal"

Maladicta gave her a death glare but Polly just smirked and said _"Now"_

"Oh all right, all right, I getting up" Mal said grudgingly swinging her legs out of bed and rubbing her eyes.

After she had gone Polly sat down at her desk and began flicking though her paperwork absentmindedly. She need to give Maladicta enough time to get back to her own room; their, for want of a better word, relationship was a bit of an open secret in as much that everyone knew but as long as no one came out and said it outright then the higher ups could pretend that they did not know and therefore not do anything about it.

It was a new and thorny problem for the Borogravian army, one it had never had to even consider before. With more and more girls joining up every day the chance of battlefield romance's was going up. In the opinion of some is caused a lack of professionalism and the chance that soldiers would have to be sent home because they were pregnant. Of course that was not a problem for Polly and Maladicta and as far as she was concerned as long as her soldiers did their job, followed their orders and took the proper precautions so what if they got _really friendly _with their comrades? That said no was particularly keen to flaunt anything until the top brass came to a decision on the matter.

That should be about long enough Polly decided standing up and packing her work away. She strolled out of her room and grinned. Whatever she may have said, shouting people out of bed would always be one of the joys of being a Sargent.

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Again I know another short one, I don't know why but everything I write at the moment is coming up short. I promise I'll try to make the next one nice and long. Please Rate and review, feedback is my life and creative criticism is always welcome! Until then readers dear goodbye


	3. A Busy Camp Makes for Happy Nights

Well here is is chapter three, hot off the press and ready at your leisure. A bit longer this time you'll all be pleased here. Hope you enjoy!

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A Busy Camp Makes for Happy Nights

It was nearly twenty minutes later that Polly was leaning against one of the waggons having reasonably quiet smoke with Maladicta while the soldiers had breakfast on a rota; the mess hall at this base was quite small and there wasn't enough space for them all to eat at once. Those who weren't eating were either packing away their kit, washing and shaving, cleaning the rooms in the barracks or any of the other things that soldier can find to do while preparing to set out.

A young private appeared and stood to attention with a crisp salute "The waggons are all packed up and ready to go Sargent!"

Polly nodded "Good work private. Dismissed"

As they watched him go Polly said once he was out of earshot "He seems awfully young to in the army"

"As I recall you were only fourteen when you joined" Maladicta said mildly.

"That was different Mal" Polly said dismissively "There was a war on"

Maladicta raised an eyebrow and said "This is Borogravia Sarg; there is always a war on. It's our main export"

Polly chuckled. The last of the soldiers were coming out from breakfast.

"Best get them formed up for inspection then" she said as she flicked away her fag end and stood up from the waggon and shouted _"ALL RIGHT YOU HORRIBAL LOT! FORM UP!"_

Maladicta winced, leaning away and said "The Sargent 'by my oath I am not a shouty man' Jackrum school of communication showing it's self I see"

"Go form your squad up Corporal"

Maladicta grinned and snapped to attention with a salute and said "Yes Sargent"

Polly timed the time it took between her shouting and them being ready for her to inspect the uniforms. They really were getting better she thought as she began her inspection. As she went along Polly marvelled at the massive upswing of the diversity of Borogravian army, there were now almost as many vampires, werewolves, trolls and even dwarfs as humans and the split between male and female was almost 50/50 now. This change was almost all down to Polly's efforts to modernise the army. This was probably why the non-humans and women gravitated toward the In's and Out's more than any other regiment.

Her modernization efforts were not limited to diversity, she had instigated new uniforms. They were made of a 'disruptive pattern material' they called them DPM's and they were made blend in to the aria around them and help soldiers sneak. Some of the more old fashioned said that this was a 'damned dishonorable thing to do' but as Polly had pointed out Hero's died honorable deaths, soldiers won wars. The smart red, white and brass ones, now called No. 1 best dress or just No. 1's, were given a lot more flourish and only used for formal events. A third one that was less formal and could be worn for anything between combat or training and formal events had been created. It consisted of lose-ish fit white trousers, a dark red shirt that was either worn with sleeves rolled up just passed the elbow in summer or with sleeves rolled down and a black jumper with red trim in winter.

She had also changed the training of new recruits. They trained for two years instead of a few months now and it was not just basic combat and drill they learned; oh no, now the newbies learned all sorts of things. By the time they finished training all soldiers could read, right and manage at least basic maths, they all had basic medical knowledge and some sort of trade they could use outside the military. Once training was finished they could sign up for 5, 10 or 20 years of service after which they could either sign up for another term or do as they liked. This was how war really was Borogravias main export now; after finishing the minimum term of service a Borogravian trained solder could get a job in any fighting outfit in the world from Klatch to XXXX and always sent money home to mum. And of course if the Duchess needed them then they marched themselves home toot sweet to fight.

All things considered Polly was to be congratulated on how far the army and Borogravia had come.

Inspection over, waggons loaded and officers up on their horses they set out. The sun was almost up, and while it was cold the long march would keep them warm and it was probably going to be a clear day. All in all it looked to Polly like it was going to be a good day. She reflected on their mission, if you could call it that. They were off to Ankh-Morpork for a 'diplomatic summit'. Polly was not entirely sure what a diplomatic summit was exactly. She knew that big wigs from across the disc would be there to discuss… politics? Trade? Alliances? Things like that she guessed but that left the question why did the she and her unit have to be there? It didn't seem to be as a show for force because it seemed that everyone else was bringing at least one of their units. Maybe it was a pissing contest, 'look how much better our soldiers are then yours' type thing. If that was the case surly the fact that no force had been able to stop the Borogravian army in decades said it all? It was a political game and one many would argue went above the head of a humble Sargent.

They set a quick pace over the next few weeks with the result that reached the border in good time and were joined by the Moldavian detachment not long after with the result that all the NCOS's had a great deal more work because although Borogravia and Moldavia were at peace, it was a somewhat strained peace. The Moldavian's were aware that if it was not for the fact that Borogravia was still recovering from the wars that had seen the country revolutionized the new army would probably be able to wipe out Moldavia. The Borogravias on the other hand knew that if they wanted avoid being on the wrong end of another alliance and maintain trade routes then they had to try avoid war at least with their most direct neighbors. This was not easy for a country whose most natural state was to be at war. Even with Nuggen gone centuries of instinct could not just disappear, it was like taking a wolf from the forest and telling it to 'sit'. It would take time to make Borogravia a peaceful place if it ever happened at all.

However the tension in the camp did not last long. After Polly and her Moldavian counterpart Sergeant Jacob, a tough soldier who could not yet be called old but wasn't really young anymore, came down hard on the few people who were court scrapping word got around that fighting was not going to be tolerated in the camp. After a few days on the march together, bar the few personal grudges, no one bothered to fighting anymore. They were too tired; Polly and Jacob had seen to that with extra training session and friendly competitions that sore Moldavian and Borogravias working together whenever they could.

All things considered the journey was good, especially now that the camp was bigger and busier Maladicta could slip into Polly's tent without being noticed much easier; a definite bonus. So it was that it was a happy detachment that arrived in Lancer. They had planned a few nights rest and would be joined by the Lancer detachment, if you could call it that, when they set off again. All seemed to be going well despite Polly's misgiving about sharing space with other military detachments from nations they had repeatedly declared war on. The feeling was rather like walking in to a bar when you owed everyone in it money.

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Well there you are! Wasn't it great? Well wasn't OK at least? I'd settle for hearing it was alright to be honest. Oh Nuggen, this lack of feed back it's like go cold bat I swear. Pleas? Anyway next chapter will be up as soon as I can, until then be lovely to each other!


	4. Mud

Right, my apologies for the delay things have been rather hectic of late but that aside here we! A shiny new chapter for you all to enjoy, well I enjoyed writing it at least. Before I begin my thanks to GeoffG and Gustavius3 for the reviews, very kind of you and sorry about the grammar and spelling. I'm slightly dyslexics I can't promise there won't be more mistakes but I will try. Any way enough of my prattle, here is the fourth installment of my little story.

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Polly lent on a cart sort of out of the rain smoking a soggy rollup and sighed, it had been raining for days. They had had to have the carts go in front because the muddy road would be turned to slop after the soldiers had marched across it and it would almost be impossible to drag the carts though it. The upshot of this was that they had been slipping and sliding through the churned up muck for what felt like an age; it got everywhere and made everything heavier and slippery.

She watched a forest of tents being erected by a swam of cold, muddy soldiers all desperate to get out of the rain, it was odd but with the heavy rain obscuring her vision and the mud clinging to them it was hard to tell which force they belonged to. That was probably a metaphor for something but at this moment she couldn't be bothered to give it much thought. She really should be shouting at someone but her feet were sore and her back ached, she had probably walked twice as far as any of them with all the moving up and down the ranks keeping them all in line.

With that in mind she was relieved that by midday tomorrow they would reach Ankh-Morpork. Polly flicked the cigarette butt into the mud where it sizzled and wonder if she smoked too much. Probably but, well life was stressful and everyone needs a way to cope.

She made her way to where the cooking supplies were being unloaded into the mess tent, always the first part of any military camp to go up.

Maladicta was organising it and she seemed a little tense but she had been tense for nearly a week now and it was really starting to get to Polly. Mal was never tense, well except for the times all soldiers were tense, but it took a very special kind of crazy to be unruffled by a battlefield where you were ankle deep in what it was best just to think of as… bits, or to not flinch in a medical tent where most of the people in the confide, over filled, often stinking space's innards had become outards. Everyone reacted to it, even if it was hours after it had all quieted down and they were in the long dark hours with nothing left to do but sleep, or not as was often the case.

Polly shook her head, trying not to think about the colour of intestines as she made her was over to Mal and said "How long until this is sorted Corporal?"

"Five minutes" Maladicta said tersely then added "Sarg"

On the inside Polly sighed and vowed to find out what the hell was wrong with Mal but outwardly she only nodded.

Camp did not take long to erect, after all motivation does not get much stronger than a driving rain storm. It was early evening and the rain had picked up. It was hammering down on the roof of the NCO's* briefing tent where then NCO's were, surprisingly enough, being briefed.

_*NCO – Non Commissioned Officer (Anyone above the rank of private but not an officer)_

Polly was leaning against one of the tent polls by the door enjoying her first dry-ish rollup since breakfast not really listening to what Major Lock was saying. It was the usual gaff before this sort of thing; best behaviour, keeps everyone in line, set the example blah, blah, blah. Polly had heard it thousands of times before; instead she focused on her NCO's making sure that while Major Lock might be all smiles and encouragement, at the moment at least, she was not. The look on her face made it quite plane that if something did happen and she got it in the neck then she would be damn sure that they would all regret it.

She looked around at the NCO and knew that there really wasn't anything to worry about; one or two of them were a bit wet behind the ears but most were tough and reasonably experienced soldiers. She had served with almost all of them in one battlefield or another and saved most their lives at least once. Granted it had been a joint effort between herself and Maladicta to drag the then Private Phyllite back to base. Even then it had not been easy, he was a troll and of the metamorphic persuasion and very bloody heavy. He was sat at the back on the floor being too heavy for the benches and tall enough that even siting on the floor at the back he could see the Major. His deeply craggy face was screwed up in a look of painful concentration, Phyllite was not the cleverest of trolls even back in Borogravia where cold air kept his brain working but down here on the plans the heat was really starting to get to him. Still at least none of the soldiers in his section were going to be a problem. Nor were Corporal Mikhail Von Überwald's, having a werewolf for a corporal had a similar effect as having a troll. She had been a bit surprised that the cocky young Corporal has wanted to come on this mission but he had said something about having family in the city or something. Corporal Ryan Stronginthearm was perhaps a bit less intimidating because it is always hard to be intimidated by someone who only comes up to your waist but as some unfortunate men in a pub some days back had found out, it is not wise to mock someone who really is strong in the arm and at groin height. And then of course there was Mal, her section were on absolute best behaviour of late since she had become so… well so techy. The rest might not have been so noticeable intimidating but they were tough and knew what they were doing.

"Isn't that right Sargent?" Major Lock said with a grin.

"Yessir" Polly said quickly.

"You were paying attention, weren't you Sargent?" Lock went on with a hint of exasperation.

"Yessir, got to set the example just as you said Sir"

"Hmmm well…" He sore the half smoked cigarette in her hand and went on with a great deal more exasperation "Sargent Perks, smoking is discouraged in the tents. It is a fire hazard"

The rain chose this moment to drum particularly hard on the roof. Polly looked up and raised her eyebrows ever so slightly.

Lock closed his eyes and sighed. The look on his face said 'why me?' but he actually said "Oh alright Sargent, at least while it's raining"

There was a collective rustling from nearly everyone in the room as hands searched for tobacco tins and cigarette boxes. Lock sighed as he turned to leave shaking his head and muttering something like 'soldiers'.

Polly looked around the tent and said "Well you heard the Major, best behaviour all you'll be on Jankers for a week. All right off you all fuck" cursing really had become second nature quite quickly.

All most as soon as she had finished speaking Mal has practically sprung to her feet and left the tent like a flash. Mikhail leaned over to Phyllite and Ryan and said quietly "Eh, how long do you recon before the Sargent goes after her?"

"I'd say about five or ten minutes, they don't want to appear suspicious do they" Ryan said reaching into an inside pocket of his jacket and pulled out a pack of cards saying "Fancy a game?"

"Yeah alright, but I reckon it will be sooner than that. Dunno what's up with Mal but it's getting to the Sargent"

"You've really got no idea? And five smokes says it will be at least ten minutes" said Ryan sitting down at the table.

"You're on and what makes you think that I would know?"

Ryan shrugged and said "Well you're werewolf, I thought you might heard something"

"Nah it's vampires that have the hearing, we have the nose" Mikhail said sitting down and he turned to Polly and called "Hey Sarg, you want to play?"

Polly considered for a long moment before saying "Not right now" and with that she left the tent.

As she walked away she heard Von Überwald say triumphantly "Five fags Stronginthearm!"

Polly made her way to mess tent quickly though the driving rain with as the sounds of arguing following from the NCO tent; she made herself a cup of tea and a cup of coffee for Maladicta on the bases that no matter how much she didn't want company Mal would never turn away coffee. Putting the skills of silence and an uncanny ability to find people who don't want to be found that being a Sargent had taught her over the years she found Mal sitting alone just outside of camp with her knee's tucked to her chest with her chin resting on them. She didn't say anything as Polly sat next to her, eyes fixed on the distant light of Ankh-Morpork. She took the proffered coffee with a small nod and moved her morose stare to its murky depths as if considering the possibility of trying to drown in it.

After a while Polly broke the silence "Are you going to tell me what's up?"

Maladicta sighed and said "Probably"

Silence fell again but this time it was vaguely expectant and gave the impression that while there was no rush it was going to be broken again but with an explanation this time.

After a long pause Mal spoke with her eyes fixed on her coffee "You know I have very good hearing?"

Polly nodded; it was an excellent way of checking if they really were alone.

"And I sometimes use it to listen to conversation that I'm slightly less than entitled to hear?"

Polly nodded again; this was a much more annoying element of Mal's super hearing.

"Well about a week ago I was sort of listening to the whole camp to see if anything interesting was happening"

"Was there?"

"Well Private Jackson was having a lesson in how to be a man from a Maldivian girl" She paused "Well I'm almost certain it was Jackson"

Polly sighed and shook her head "Pervert"

"And proud, anyway I heard Major Lock and Captain Blouse having a chat so I thought I'd listen in for a bit…" She trailed off.

Polly didn't say anything, something's can't be rushed.

Mal sighed and went in a dull, get it over with type voice "they were discussing who else is going to be at this event and well…"

"There is someone going who you don't want to see again" Polly finished to Mal's surprise and went "Oh come on, how long have we known each other?"

"Must be getting on for ten years"

"In all that time did I ever give the impression of not being able to think? Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

Mal shrugged, in truth she didn't know herself.

"Well that aside, I won't ask you tell me who it is you don't want to see but are they likely to turn up at the Borogravian barracks?"

"Umm…" She considered, seeming to be going through an internal list after a moment she said slowly "No, no I don't think so"

"Will you be able to hear them coming if they do?"

"Yes"

"Are they likely to go to soldiers bars?"

Mal pulled a face "defiantly not"

"And finally my dear, are you likely to frequent the kind of places that they will be?"

"Not a chance"

"Well then you've got nothing to fear" Polly said standing up, she offered Mal a hand.

Mal took it, a little nonplussed "But-"

Polly cut her off "If you aren't going to go where they are, and they aren't going to go where you are then where are you going to meet?"

"Umm, I suppose your right" Mal said still sounding a little unconvinced.

"Of course I'm right" Polly said with a grin "now come on, some of the lads are playing cards in the briefing tent and if left alone they will try and kill each other"

Mal listened for a moment and pulling a face said "I think they may already be trying" She paused then added "And I think Jackson is getting a follow up lesson"

"Don't want to know"

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Well there was in all its glory, well the glory is more up to you than me. Thanks for reading as always please rate and review, I live for feedback. SEE YA ALL SOON!


	5. Porcelain or Tin?

Well, here we are ladies and gents, back for more I'm glad to see. Since you all seem so keen to keep reading I shall try my best not to disappoint with this next chapter. I like writing so I'm happy and I hope you like reading so you can be happy.

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Polly put her head in her hands and cursed.

"I should really get a swear jar like Shufti has back at the Duchess, we could get rooms like this back HQ with the amount you swear" Mal said without looking up, she was lounged out in an arm chair reading a book.

They had reached Ankh-Morpork nearly four hours ago and had been settled into their barracks; which were almost perfect. They were spacious and there were bunk rooms for each section with an adjoining room for the Corporal. There was one male and one female shower block and set of privies between two bunk rooms and the Corporals rooms all had their own wash room. Polly had her own room, it was a larger then all the others and had a big desk that looked out of her window over the training square, a tall wardrobe, a chest of draws, the arm chair Mal was sitting in, a fully stocked bookcase and a big, soft bed with crisp, clean white sheets. It also has its own bathroom that had a big porcelain bath, a shower, a heated towel rack and a glass cabernet full of funny smelling soaps and oils and all things terrifyingly feminine. Polly had concluded that this room was probably meant for an officer and a vary far cry from either her room back at her base, or at the Duchess; in both of which there wasn't room to swing a cat, or your arms really. Things were especially tight now that she shared it with Mal when they were on leave. The only problem with their accommodation was the fact that the Zlobenian detachment were next door.

"Aw fuck off" Polly said without taking her head from her hands.

"Eloquent"

"How could anyone have been this stupid? Honestly what were they thinking?" Polly said shaking her head "In all my bloody years I have never seen anything so short sighted, not even Blouse without his glasses"

Mal carefully placed a bookmark between the pages of her book and closed it. She sat up and began rolling a cigarette saying "It doesn't matter how many times you ask that question the answer will still be I have no idea" she finished rolling and handed it to Polly.

"I thought you said I smoked too much" Polly said but took the offering anyway.

"You do" Mal replied starting to roll herself one "But right now you needed it"

"This is going to be horrific" Polly said, lighting up.

"What medical tent horrific, battlefield horrific or sleeping in a trench horrific?" Mal asked in a voice brimming with black humour.

Polly pulled a face and replied "Never mind trench foot, try trench backside. I'll never look at the irrigation ditches in the same way again" Polly said with something like a chuckle "but I take your point."

Mal hopped to her feet and said "I'm bored"

Polly turned back to the papers spread out on her desk and said "You have the attention span of a five year old"

"Nuhu!" Mal said in an impersonation of Jack

"Uhhu" Polly replied.

"Nuhu"

"Uhhu"

"Nuhu"

"Uhhu"

"Nuhu"

"Stop it, this is childish" Polly said in the stern voice that people use to cover up they themselves are actually trying not to giggle.

"Is not" Mal said no longer impersonating anyone and acting from an inner child all her own.

"Is too" Polly replied.

"Is not"

"Is"

"Not"

"Is"

"Not"

"Is"

"Not"

"Is"

"Not"

"Is"

"Not" Mal said "I have brothers; I can do this for hours"

"Cannot"

"Can too"

"Cannot"

"Can"

"Not"

"Can"

"Not"

"Ca-"

"_So sorry to interrupt the secret collaboration of Borogravias finest Sargent and her most trusted Corporal_" Major Lock said dryly cutting Polly short "But the door was ajar and you're needed"

"Right you are Sir, what for Sir?" Polly said without missing a beat.

The Major sighed and said "To form up the squad and raise the flag Sargent" He went on in a voice dripping with dry sarcasm "I did mention this yesterday evening in the briefing"

"Sorry Sir, it must have slipped my mind during the night Sir" Polly said smoothly.

"I can imagine, though I would rather not." He said, eyes flicking to Maladicta and after a pause he said "Well, why are you two still sitting here? Don't you have a squad to form up?"

"Right Sir" They said in unison.

It was still raining and as the flag went up Polly continued to curse fluently in her own head. To say the peace with Zlobenian was strained would be an understatement; more like a bloody cold war Polly though to herself as a pair of Zlobenian troopers stopped on their way to their own barracks to watch the Borogravians. She hoped for their sake they weren't stupid enough to hang around until the squad was dismissed or there might just be blood on the first day. Apart from most of the NCO's and the Officers the squad were a bunch of wet behind the ears recruits, half of them were almost certainly underage and she could count on her fingers how many of them had actually seen combat. It was a sort of unofficial policy to keep the very young out of combat with missions like this one until they were deemed old enough to be able to handle it, or attest old enough that if they died their commander would not have to hear 'but he was only 14' from a sobbing mother. Not a good conversation at the best of times, even worse when soldier was just a kid. Some of the privates were here because they had lost their older brothers or farther to wars with Zlobenia and someone had to earn the money. They would not hesitate at the chance to take their frustration and anger at the world out on anyone in a blue uniform; all it would take would be few rabble rousers and they could find themselves responsible for another bloody war.

Fortunately before they were dismissed a Zlobenian corporal appeared and dragged the privates away almost by the ear. Polly almost sighed with relief.

After the flag was raised Major Lock turned to them and spoke in a carrying voice.

"Right soldiers" He began "We are here on a _diplomatic summit_, but for the sake of anyone who has to read it please don't try a spell it in your letters" This got a small chuckle from the squad "I don't know how many of you know what diplomacy is so I shall explain for those who did not pay attention in there English lessons during training. Diplomacy is working things out with words, _not swords_" He looked at Poll and added "or brass knuckles, or teeth and claws" His eyes travelled to Mal and Mikhail "or clubs, or axes" his eyes moved on to Ryan and Phyllite "Boys and girls what diplomacy means is _no fighting _and defiantly no weapons. Do I Make Myself Clear?" after a long pause he lent forward slightly and said "I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that, I asked you if I had made myself clear"

"YES MAJOR LOCK!" The squad bellowed back. Very clear Polly thought; this goes if this goes tits up it will be on our heads.

"That's better, now are there any questions?"

After a long pause Phyllite slowly raised his hand.

"Yes Corporal Phyllite?" Lock said.

After another long pause he said slowly "If ders no weapons, and ders no fightin den why does der hav ta be soldiers? Cuz all dat we do is fight an we usually hav weapons" He looked pleased with himself, so was everyone else. That was more words then everything else he had said put together since entering the plains.

After a moment to proses that many D's Major Lock said "Because we want to show Borogravia at its finest, that means all of you" He looked around, sighed and added quietly "Lord help us"

When they were dismissed Mal appeared be her side and said "I'm still bored"

"Then go find a way to entertain yourself" Polly replied heading back toward the barracks.

Mal sighed and went on like a child that had been told no "But I don't know anyone here or where anything is"

"Never stopped you before" Polly said dismissively "I am going to go and see if a bath made of porcelain is really better than a tin one and then I am going to have a lie down"

With that she left Mall standing by herself. After a moment Mikhail, Ryan and Phyllite and wandered over.

"Who do you think has the brass knuckles then?" Mikhail said looking around the square.

"Sargent Perks" Mal said, apparently deep in thought.

"How do you know?" Mikhail asked with interest.

"Seen her use them" Mal said still thinking, but added in her own head 'and I bought them for her'. She came to a decision and without saying anything turned and went in to the barracks. What kind of a person would she be if she let Polly test out a bath or bed that size all by herself? An uninvolved one she reflected as she entered Polly's room and locked the door.

As Mal entered the room Polly said "You took your time" smirking.

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Well there you go you luck people, I hope you enjoyed. I know I did. Well ta ta for now but I hope to see you all soon and as always please rate a review! You all stay beautiful!


	6. A Wonderful Cure For A Hangover!

Well here we are again, new chapter and all that Jazz. Hope you like!

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Polly cursed some more. It had been, Mal reflected, a predominate feature of the trip but then again so was and any length of time spent with the Cheese Mongers. This time she was cursing because an unfortunate young private had been the bearer of bad news. Mal put her book down; she would like to go on this little outing because it was always fun to see angry directed at some who wasn't her. It made a refreshing change.

"Run that past me one more time" Polly said, pinching the bridge of her nose in exasperation.

"There's two watch men at the gates Sarg an-" he squeaked but Polly interrupted.

"No not that bit the, the bit about Borogravians in City Watch cells" She said.

The young man swallowed, his enormous Addams Apple bobbed like a yoyo, it was almost fascinating but the expanse of acne on neck and cheeks were where the eye was drawn every time. He was as thin as a rake and if Mal was any judge he was no more fifteen. Part of the new training was spending six months out with active soldiers to get the feel of actual service, and this boy was out on his. Mal was almost certain he was called John Cooper and he had apparently almost jumped for joy when he had learned he would be serving under the famous war hero's Sargent Perks and Corporal Maladicta in his placement. He was not jumping for joy now; he was shaking like a leaf and almost in tears as he gabbled about a street fight that had the bad luck to fall through the doors of the watch pub.

Mal shook her head after Polly had dismissed him and said "Good grief, you were angry around him. Imagine what would happen if you were angry at him"

"He has a lot of growing up to do before he goes anywhere near the front but I think he has potential" She stood up "Come on, let's see about this then"

The Watchman was a very tall man who was built like a brick outhouse and had a short crop of ginger hair.

"Good morning Miss" He said "Would you be Sargent Perks?"

"I am, and I would prefer Sargent to Miss if you don't mind Captain…?" She asked.

"Carrot Sargent, Captain Carrot" He said cheerfully then went on "There was a bit of a misunderstanding last night and if you would like to come with me hopefully we can sort it out"

As they walked Polly asked casually "So Captain who was this misunderstanding between?"

"Some of your soldiers and few some others here for the diplomatic summit"

"Did they happen to be wearing a blue military uniform" Polly asked innocently.

"Um… Well yes they were"

Polly nodded and the air of calm that radiated off of her was not dissimilar to the one that Jackrum used to have before he exploded. Mall had seen Polly do this before and actually took a small step away from her.

"And did they happen to speak with a Zlobenian accent Captain?" Polly went on in the same clam voice that promised death and destruction to someone.

The Captain looked down at her, he seemed to have picked up on what just be about to happen "Umm, yes they did. Sargent you would be planning anything unpleasant or illegal would? Because an upstanding soldier like your self would not dream of breaking the law while visiting another nation I'm sure"

Mal stared at him incredulously, that really wasn't a hidden threat was it? Does he genuinely have no idea that most people would take that as a warning?

"Er, no I wasn't actually" Polly said, sounding as put out as Mal.

"Not sure you quite get the point soldering Captain" Mal said jokingly.

"Oh, I wold not know much about military service" He glanced at her "Corporal but I am sure that soldiers are an honourable group of people"

Mal court Polly's eye then quickly looked away. Whether it was genuine or not this guy was hilarious.

The rest of the walk to the Watch house was relatively quiet, the cheerful Captain said hello to nearly everyone he passed and Mal stared at him with a mixture of distrust and incredulity. When they entered the Watch House Polly realised that large gatherings of coppers smelt the same as soldiers, mostly clean, a bit polish-y and that indefinable smell of people who have to spend a long time outside in the cold and rain.

They were shown into though a door and down a small flight of stairs into a little office type room with a solid looking door that presumable lead to the cells. The blond woman who had accompanied Commander Vimes to Borogravia at the end of the Nuggenatic wars was sat at a desk filling in a form.

She looked up when they came and said "your men are in the cells and you need to fill in this form before we can give them to you"

"What did they actually do?" Polly asked in the same calm tone.

"Well we aren't to sure how it all started but at about midnight last night the four of them came through the door of the Bucket fighting with five other soldiers. Fortunately there were a number of watchmen in the bar at the time who were able to contain the situation" Captain Carrot said briskly.

"I bet they were" Polly said with a small smile and went on "Tell me Captain, did they seem to of had much to drink?"

Angua smiled and said "if I'm any judge I'd say they had been drinking excessively" She seemed to have picked up on Polly's tone quicker then Carrot.

"And are they still asleep in there do you know?" Polly went with an evil grin.

"They were last time I checked" Angua replied.

"Well, why don't you fill in that form Corporal while I go and get our lads" Polly said, her grin broadening.

As Polly and Captain Carrot left for the cells Mal and leaded over the form Angua said "it's long been time Mal, how have you been?"

"Oh you know life has its ups and downs" Mal said without looking up.

"I seen you decided to stick with soldiering then"

"It's a way of life Angua, not just a fad or something and I am happier now as a soldier then I have ever been before"

"I'm happy for you Mal but why are you here? You must have known that they would be here for something like this and I doubt they will like you being a foot soldier" Angua said sounding genuinely concerned.

Mal sighed "I am a soldier, I follow orders"

"And you couldn't have avoided it"

"Probably but I would have had to explain why I didn't want to be here which would have made avoiding them pointless"

"You couldn't have lied?" Angus asked.

There was a loud shout of 'GOOD MORNING LADS!' from the other side of the door. They both looked up and Mal said "No, not to everyone"

"So, you and the infamous Sargent Perks eh?" Angua asked with a grin.

"You and the big ginger" She finished the form and straightening added "well you always did have a thing for gingers"

"Hn, at least I never chased milkmaids" Angua said smirking.

Mal did not get the chance to reply because Polly and Carrot had returned with four dishevelled and pale looking privates who were still trying to tuck in their shirts and sort there trousers out.

"Is that all sorted Corporal?" Polly said grinning.

"Yes Sarg" Mal said smiling.

"Thank you for assistance" Polly said with a nodded to Carrot and Angua, then turning back to the privates and volume up "Right You Horrible Lot! We Are Going Back To Base Where I Am Going To Teach You A Wonderful Cure For A Hangover!"

Mal grinned and said "hey sarg, does this cure by any chance involve a lot of running around the training square?"

"Do you know, as a matter of fact it does but it will have to wait until the Major is finished explain the do's and don'ts of visiting foreign cities as I am sure he is going to want to do" Polly said still grinning then she turning back to the soldiers "Come On Then Quick Bloody March"

Carrot and Angua accompanied then to the door of the Watch House and as they marched away Angua smiled to herself. She was glad Mal was happy; Lord knew the girl was due some happiness. She sighed as she turned back into the Watch House and thought 'I just hope this trip doesn't ruin it for her'.

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Oooo the plot thickens! Well I set out with the intention of thickening the plot a little, maybe I should have just used cornflour. Anyway as always thanks for reading and pleas rate and review! See you all soon and pleas be lovely to each other!


	7. OK Early Morngings don't Always Suck

Okeydokey boys and girls here we go again! Another short one I'm afraid but there is more on the way, so enjoy this for the time being and I'll get on with writing some more.

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"Who the fuck is making that noise?" Polly grumbled into her pillow as the sound of a regimental band crashed into the room.

"I imagine its Von Überwald and the band" Mal said without opening her eyes.

"It's the fucking crack of dawn! What the hell does he think he's playing?" Polly said rolling over and pulling a pillow over her head.

"Trying to annoy the Zlobenian's I expect" Mal said, then added "Told you, you shouldn't have made him Band Major"

"Fucks sake, he's not even bloody Borogravian; he's from Überwald isn't he?" Polly grunted sitting up and looking for a shirt.

"Yes but he lost all but one of his section to Zlobenian Calvary a few years ago, remember?" Mal said sitting up "And the one lad who did make it back couldn't handle it and-"

"Yes all right Mal, I do recall the incident and if you cast your mind back you will remember that it was me who found the poor boy" Polly said with a sigh.

"Well he's never really got past the fact that it was his mistake" Mal went on.

"I wouldn't call it a mistake, he did the best he could with the information he had and it was just bad luck that it ended the way it"

"Well yes I know that, and anyone with half a brain can see that but he sees it as they were his lads, his responsibility and it was his fault that it went so wrong; he can't really handle that so he aims all of his frustration and anger he has for himself at the Zlobenian's" Mal said watching Polly walk over to the window and open it. She clamped her hands over her ears just in time.

"VON ÜBERWALD! CUT THAT FUCKING RACKET OUT OR I'LL HAVE YOU RUNNING LAPS OF THE BASES UNTILL ALL FOUR OF YOUR FUCKING LEGS FALL OFF!" She bellowed and slammed the window shut. Silence reigned.

Mal slowly removed her hands slowly and said "Finished?"

Polly rolled her eyes and climbed back into bed. She was not left in peace for long because a few moments later there was someone was banging on the door. A moment later Major Lock, dressed in his night shirt and breaches, burst in and he did not look happy. As Polly sat up Mal ducked out of sighted below the covers with the kind of speed that can only be achieved by vampires and young men avoiding a girl's father. Polly thought briefly that it was something that Mal had always been rather good at, even from day one.

_"Sargent Perks, do you know what time it is?"_ His voice dripped with vicious sarcasm.

Polly looked at the clock and said "Five o'clock sir"

"_Tell me Perks, do you think that it is appropriate for the regimental band to be playing at five o'clock in the morning?"_

"No, Sir, sorry Sir. I have had words with the Band Major Sir" Polly said quickly.

_"I am aware of that Perks, as is all of Ankh and most of Morpork"_ He went on in the same dangerous voice _"Do not let this happen again or there will be… consequences"_

He left the threat open

"Yessir, will do Sir" Polly said quickly.

Polly fell back into her pillow when the door had shut behind him but didn't say anything. After a long pause Mal sat up slightly and said "Do you think he sore me?"

"No, but he knows you were in here" Polly said putting her hands behind her head "But he knows you're in here"

Mal's brow furrowed and she said "How?"

"He saw your boots by the bed" Polly said, sinking further into the blankets.

"Bugger, do you think he cares?" Mal said leaning across Polly and throwing the offending items across the room through the open bathroom door.

"No but you should probably lock the door in case someone else comes to call" Polly replied.

"You do it" Mal said burrowing deeper into the bedding "You're on the outside"

"I'm the Sargent here" Polly said a little half-heartedly.

"And I'm the love of your life, either way your still on the outside" Mal said as she pulled the covers over her head and rolled over.

Polly sighed and got out of bed for the second time. She locked the door and took the shirt off on her way back to the bed where she slid her arms around Mal, grinning. Mornings can be fun.

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There you have it! Hope you like, I know things got a touch on the heavy side in there but there is going to be some heavy content in this story. Well I think there is going to be some heavy stuff; these characters just seem have life of their own. As always please rate and review! Oh by the way in up and coming chapters there is going to be some quite big flights of face. I am going to deviate from the books in a big way but hopefully not in the way the characters are and I think it is going flow smoothly. Anyway enough rabbiting on here, I's got stuffs to writ! HANG COOL TEDDY BEARS!


	8. Somethings Got To Give

Well I'm back again ladies and gents and have a good time of it! Two new chapters in one long weekend! I am pleased with myself but you're all the judge of whether or not they are anything to be proud of. I hope you like it pleas do enjoy!

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John Cooper made his way to the NCO table in the mess hall where Sargent Perks was sitting with a few others with trepidation. He deeply admired and respected the Sargent, almost as much as he had his farther, and for John Cooper that was saying something. He wanted to be the kind of soldier that the Sargent was, a war hero, some who didn't panic or lose their head no matter what. He would have given anything to be like that so he listened to every word she said and tried to follow her example. So far it wasn't really working.

"S-sergeant" Private Copper stuttered as he tried to salute but nearly poked his own eye out. He swallowed and felt his Addams Apple bob, he knew it looked ridicules and back home he had worn loss cloths tied around his neck, it severed the purpose of hiding it, his acne and the fact that what little stubble he had started to grow was patchy and worryingly ginger when the rest of his hair was black. It also went some ways to hiding how scrawny he was.

"What is it Cooper?" Poly said with resignation, she had a strong feeling what this was going to be.

"C-Captain Carrot's here again S-Sargent, says there are B-Borogravians in the cells again" He managed.

Polly sighed "Can I not have one bleeding day with having to go get our soldiers from damned City Watch cells?"

"I doubt it Sarg" Stronginthearm said without looking up from his breakfast.

"Maybe we should just keep 'em all on base until we leave" Polly said putting down her knife and fork.

Phyllites face contorted in concentration as words lined themselves up in his head; Polly paused, waiting for him to speak.

After an extended silence he spoke "Don't fink dat would help Sarg, cuz if dey was stuck here den deyd be next ta da Zl-Zl-Zl" He stopped, concentrating hard "Der blue uns and dey hates der blue uns and dats der problem" he finished speaking and looked smug, well as smug as a face made of a slate type stone could look.

After a moment Polly said "Well put Corporal" She turned to Private Cooper and said "Tell me Private, do you hate the Zlobenian's?"

He blushed and looked away with a shrug but didn't say anything. Polly's eyebrows raised a fraction. She gave him a closer inspection; not only was he as thin as a rake but he also had long gangly limbs and his uniform seemed to be three or four sizes too big for him. His already pale skin was a sharp contrast with the angry red of his acne so as to make it look almost vampiric, although Polly was certain that no vampire had ever had acne. His feet were big, his ears stuck out from his head, he had a thin, childish face that was made to look younger by the wide spatter of freckles. The general affect was to make him look like a boy who had tried on his father's clothes to see what they looked like; the highly squeaky quality of his voice seemed to affirm this picture. All that aside he had clearly tried, his boots did sort of shine and his uniform was ironed but haphazardly. He had tried, but in the way of people who don't really know what they were doing but attempted to make up for that with sheer effort and will power. It was not an uncommon look in new recuts, they were so full of pride and enthusiasm and no clue about how to be a soldier and make it home with as many bits as possible.

Polly stood up and as Cooper turned to leave she said "And where do you think you're going Private?"

"Er-Er, I, um" He stammered, cheeks getting redder and redder by the second.

"Come on, you're going to come with me to get these stupid lads"

Captain Carrot was waiting by the front gate as usual, he was as friendly as ever and while he lead the way the was no real need anymore; Polly knew the way herself by now. She looked across at Private Cooper who seemed to be having difficult make his feet go where he told them to.

"You never answered my question Private" Polly said conversationally, she spoke in Borogravian and there was a hint of metal in her voice.

He blushed some more and shrugged again without looking at her.

"That" She said, the metal glinting "is isn't answer, and bloody well stand up straight"

He jerked up and said quickly "S-Sorry Sargent" turning a deeper red.

After a moments silence Polly said "Well? I'm still damn well waiting"

Cooper panicked in the face of angry authority; it reminded him of his dear old mum, she was a good woman who loved her son but was a firm believer in discipline. Granted the Sargent swore more than his mum ever had but then again he had never met anyone who could swear like Sargent Perks. Never the less an instinct written in to his head triggered and he did the thing his dear old mum had always said to do, he told the truth.

"Yes" He blurted out and had to stop himself saying 'mum'.

"Oh is that so?" Polly said that metal glittering behind every syllable "And why pray is that Private?"

Cooper looked at his feet, the only way for him to be certain of exactly where they were and muttered.

"Did quite catch that" Polly said calmly.

"They killed my Dad Sargent" He said quickly "He were a soldier and he was killed Zlobenian's"

Polly did say anything but rolled herself a cigarette, having long ago mastered the art of walking and rolling. Captain Carrot had the good sense not to say anything, but just pretend he did not have a reasonable grasp of Borogravian. The Sergeant knew but he was willing to bet the young Private did not and this would not be the time to enlighten him.

Once she had finished rolling she lit her cigarette and blew a smoke ring. When she spoke her voce was quite calm "When did this happen?"

Cooper could read nothing from her voice and still looking at his feet said "Ten years ago, I was only five"

Too late did he realise his error and cursing himself he looked up at the Sergeant, panicking.

"I must have miss herd you Private, but I'm sure you said you were eight at the time, making you eighteen now" Polly said blankly.

Once again he could read nothing from her face or voice but seized on the life line and said quickly "That's right Sarg, I was eight"

The rest of the walk to the Watch House was spent in quiet thoughtfulness. When they got there they head down the now familiar route the cells. Once Polly had filled in the necessary paperwork Captain Carrot led them into the cells.

"Tell me Captain, have Zlobenian's been taken back too there base yet?" Polly asked.

"Not yet, we think it best not yet them out at the same time. How did you know that it was Zlobenian's that were in here?" Carrot said as he opened the cell door.

Polly raised her eyebrows but said "Could you please open the door there cell as well Captain?"

Carrot hesitated and asked "Why, Sergeant?"

"So I can teach my lad here an important lesson about soldiering Captain"

There was a look in her eye; it was one that Carrot trusted, sort of. And well the Borogravians were in no condition to fight anyone so he supposed it couldn't do any harm "Well alright then"

He opened the cell to reveal a bedraggled and hung over band of Zlobenian soldiers. He kept a hand on each door, ready slam them shut if needs be.

Polly took Coopers shoulder and pointed him at Borogravian soldiers and said "what do you see?"

"umm…" Cooper said uncertainly "A bunch of pale and clammy looking soldiers with their jackets undone or off and there all sort of groaning and waking up. Someone's been sick in the corner"

"Good, now" She turned him round so he was looking at the Zlobenian's and said "Tell me, can you spot the difference?"

"They have blue coats?" He said as if it had been a silly question.

"Anything else?" Polly went on "No? Well there's a surprise"

"Err…" Cooper said severely wrong footed "I don't understand"

"I'm not surprised" Polly said dismissively then went on "Now you listen here and listen well my lad, what am about to tell you is a lesson my Sergeant taught me when I was a wet behind the ears recruit like you and its one that been hammered home by years of soldiering. So you make sure you remember cause I aint gonna repeat myself and this is important. They are no different to us, they are just people. People with a job to do same as us and it doesn't matter who they are because a soldier is a soldier the world over and you aren't fighting them because you hate them and you aren't fighting for jumped up national pride. No, what you are fighting for is to get back home and for there to still be something to get back too. And it's just the same for every true soldier. Now The Duchess knows I know how hard to lose a parent and know how easy it is to hate but what you need to remember is that in the thick of the fight you're not Borogravian and their not Zlobenian, you're all just people and it doesn't matter who was wrong and who was right or who started it. All that matters there and then is trying to do the job and make it home. Do you understand lad?"

Cooper stood with his lips moving, trying to get to grips with the sudden philosophy and eventually said "I'm not really sure Sergeant"

Polly sighed and said "Well you will be, once you come though a few fights yourself you'll see what I mean. And the same goes for the rest of you lot" This last bit was aimed at the sort of awake and listening soldiers in both cells.

Captain Carrot gently closed the Zlobenian door and said "Before you go Sergeant Commander Vimes would like a word with you"

"Alright" She had been half expecting this, she turned to Cooper and said "Private, sort this lot out while I talk to the Commander"

He visibly paled and stammered "B-B-B-"

"Just get them to sort there uniform out and get them formed up outside" She looked at the groggy soldiers with a look that said 'I don't care if you think his a wet behind the ears kid in over his head. I'm leaving him in charge so if you mess him around then you'll be messing me around and I'm Sergeant Bloody Perks'

They left the only slightly stammering Cooper to sort out the soldiers and after the door shut behind Carrot said quietly "Is it normal to accept underage soldiers into the Borogravian army? I know the branch of your foreign legion here isn't too picky"

Polly looked up at the captain, and considered him carefully. She decided that in this case the truth was the best option and said "We don't as a rule turn them away, too dangerous"

He looked at her sceptically and she went on.

"The thing is you don't know what your turning them back too, and we make sure that no one who isn't ready sees combat" She paused and added "If there is such a thing as"

Captain looked down at her and said "What about the rumours that you take criminals?"

Polly ran her tong along her teeth and said carefully "It's hard to tell if someone was a criminal before they come to us because there's no real way to make sure the name they give is real and if there criminal past stays in the past then we don't ask too many questions. It gives people who have made mistakes a chance to start again and if they do start acting criminal then they will have to face military justice where the prospect of a short drop and a sudden stop would be a welcome alterative"

He was silent for a minute or two but then said "What about really serious criminals?"

Polly thought for a moment and said "I believe that most people are capable of redemption but I understand that in some cases this is not an option but we always try to see that the just thing is done. After all when you join up, you're in it for life and we see to it that as long as you play by the rules you and your family will always be protected"

They had reached a door. The Captain was about to knock but the voice of Commander Vimes cut him off before he could.

"Come in Captain"

Carrot opened the door, saluted smartly and said "Sergeant Perks is here Sir"

Polly took in the room quickly. It was a mess, largely due to the fact that Vimes seemed to take a similar approached to paperwork that she did but unlike her he did not have an officer getting shouty at him for not doing it.

Vimes looked at her; he did look like he had changed much since she had last seen him. A bit older and with a few more scars she'd wager but just as sharp. After a moment he said "Take a seat Sergeant"

Polly did so as she did Vimes a good look at her. She had changed a lot in the years since his trip to Borogravia. For a start she no longer looked like a fourteen year old kid with a bad haircut, a dirty, badly fitting uniform and the look of someone in over her head and trying not drown; she now looked like a confident young women who knew exactly where she was going and was quite happy about her progress. She also had a number of scars that certainly had not been there before; the most obvious of these was a long thin one on the side of her face, she also seemed to be missing a sliver from the top of her right ear. All in all she looked, well, like a soldier; she was still a sergeant and Vimes suspected that was though much hard work on her part.

"Sergeant Perks" he began.

"Commander Vimes" Polly said with a smile.

"How's your brother getting?" Vimes asked with genuine interest, he had liked Paul and had admired the courage Sergeant Perks had shown when she had come to find him.

"He's fine, married with four kids now" Polly said happily.

"Oh good" Vimes said, smiling. He was pleased that things had worked out for the kind man then went on "And yourself?"

"Oh no, not me; married to the job I am" And inwardly she shuddered at the prospect, Lord knew she loved Mal but the prospect of marriage was not one she would not even entertain. She was not even sure if it was legal in Borogravia for two women to get married, granted it was probable that no one would argue but it was still something say if it ever came up

Vimes knew that look; you sore it on youngsters all the time and he decided not to mention such things again, each to their own after all. He sighed and said "Sergeant, your soldiers"

"I know Commander but there we are already doing everything we can think of to keep them in line" Polly said in a frustrated voice.

"It's got to stop Sergeant, it's worse than when the dame football supporters fight if only because both sides have been trained" Vimes said sounding equally frustrated.

"I'm sorry Commander but there isn't much we can do. Keeping them on base doesn't help because then they are next to the Zlobenian's" She cursed and said "If I ever find the one who put us next to them I'll have their bloody guts for garters"

"You will have to get in line Sergeant" Vimes said with a mirthless laugh.

"I will try and keep them under control Commander but I can't promise anything" She cursed again "It would help if all this fighting would relieve the tension but it's just building up"

Vimes's face didn't move but he said "Find a way to relieve the tension Sergeant or this is going to go bad. I have been a Copper for a long time and I've seen this sort of thing before and unless something happens to stop it the tension will build and build until someone snaps and when happens this is going to get really nasty for a lot of people"

As she was lead back to the street Polly knew that he was right and if did go bad here it would mean another war.

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Well wasn't that fun? Well any way I hope you like it. Please rate and review! Got collage and such like for the next three days so probably won't be back till after that but in the meantime be lovely to each other!


	9. The Mayor of Bayswater

What up boys and girls! It's been too long but it's nice to be back, so sorry I've been gone! My laptop broke, the tragedy! Then my dog got spade but she tore her stitches so she had it stapled by she tore those as well so she got it stapled again, but never fear she is at last recovering but is now confined to a cage until it heals. The upshot of this for you lovely people is I have a week of living in my front room with naught to do but write lots and lots of words! A quick heads up there up swing in the vulgar index in this chapter. That aside, please sit back, put your feet up and relax, get your self a cuppa tea and a biscuit maybe and enjoy.

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Mal stared bleary out from the both where she was sitting and sighed; the only people left standing, well sitting, could not be begged or intimidated into getting her a new drink and hers was nearly empty. This was saddening. Almost as saddening as the way the barman kept looking pointedly from them to the passed out or sleeping soldiers around them. Oh well it could not be helped, she stood up slowly and said "I'll get the next round"

At least getting the round in stopped her from getting wasted sitting down. It was the advice she gave all the youngsters, never ever get really pissed sitting down or when you eventually have to stand up you'll find you that your legs no longer have enough bones in them. That had been a cruel lesson indeed, and one she wished to God she cloud forget learning.

She reached the bar with a grin, she always found that a nice toothy grin got her to the front of any crowed in quick time. As she leaned toward the barman he said jerking his head toward the rest of the Boragravians "You ain't gonna leave them here"

It was not a question but Mal kept grinning, because once you have face down six heavy cavalrymen with nothing but a old crossbow and a sword angry barmen become a lot less frightening. She did not mention any of this but instead said politely "But of course not! We never leave a man behind!"

"So long as we're clear, what will it be?"

As she made her way back to the table she saw Stronginthearm arm-wrestling with Phyllite which was an odd picture to say the least. Stronginthearm seemed to have been lift bodily from the floor and was using his knees under the table to try and pull the trolls arm down. The strategy seemed to work but every time his feet got low enough to touch the floor Phyllite would lift him back up until his knees banged on the bottom of the table. Mal sat down next to Polly and joined her and Mikhail in laughing is the bizarre scene.

Some hours an many drinks latter the barman started to give them pointed looks again. Polly sighed, she had about half her drink left but downed it anyway and said with a hint of a slur "We best take them back to base"

There was a bit of grumbling but they all stood up and as they went about gathering up Boragravia's finest Mal reflected that you would have had to have known them for years to be able to see just how drunk they were. They would appear to most to be just a little more then tipsy but Mal could see the tell tale little signs that they were well on the way to being hammered, like the way Mikhail kept checking the number of legs that he had or the slightly perplexed look Stronginthearm kept giving peoples knee's before looking up to find the face. As she grabbed the last one from the floor, a young-ish vampire from her own section, she heard Polly start singing a tune under her breath.

_The Mayor of Bayswater, _

_He had a lovely daughter, _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees._

Mal grinned, it was a good song to sing when you were drunk; as they made there way in to the street she joined in with gusto. One black one, one white one, And one with a bit of shite on, And one with a fairy light on, To show you the way. The others soon joined in as well.

_I've smelt it, I've felt it, _

_It's just like a piece of velvet. _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees. _

_She's not a great looker, _

_But everyone took 'er, _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees. _

_If she were my daughter, _

_I would've them cut shorter, _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees._

Soon they were more shouting then singing and final acting about as drunk as they were.

_I've seen it, I've seen it, _

_I've lain right in between it, _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees. _

_You need a coal miner, _

_To find her vagina. _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees. _

_I've stroked them, I've poked them,_

_ I've even rolled them up and smoked them, _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees._

Polly stumbled slightly, knocking into Mal who sort of fell into Philite, which she would realise in about nine or so hours was no laughing matter. In the mean time though she cursed then kept singing, or more accurately bellowing.

_She lived in a lighthouse, _

_Which stank like a bloody shitehouse, _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees. _

_She slept with a demon, _

_Who washed her with semen, _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees. _

_She married a Krullion, _

_With balls like a fucking stallion, _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees. _

_She divorced the Krullion, _

_And ran off with the fucking stallion, _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees. _

_She married a Skuniard, _

_With a cock like a bloody lanyard, _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees. _

_She devoiced the Skuniard _

_And ran off with the bloody lanyard, _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees. _

_She says she is not a whore, _

_But she bangs like a shithouse door, _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees. _

A few streets away Carrot and Angua paused while walking there beet at the distant sound of rapturous singing.

_I've licked it, I've kissed it, _

_It tastes like a chocolate biscuit,_

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees._

Carrots face contorted in concentration as he mouthed the words 'dicky-diver'. Angua had to suppress a laugh as he tried to figure out what that meant. As they started toward the singing she thought 'to be fair the 'tastes like a chocolate biscuit' had probably thrown him off'.

_Her vagina was squishy, _

_And smelled a bit fishy, _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees._

Comprehension dawned and he started blush saying "A chocolate biscuit?" Angua laughed and said "Well they are drunk, and it rhymes"

The aroma it lingers,

It smells like fish fingers,

And the hair on her dicky-diver,

Went down to her knees.

As they got closer the singers gained enthusiasm for the final verse and from this distance she could make out the Boragravian accents.

_The Mayor of Bayswater, _

_He had a lovely daughter, _

_And the hair on her dicky-diver, _

_Went down to her knees. _

_One black one, _

_one white one, _

_And one with a bit of shite on, _

_And one with a fairy light on to show you the way._

They rounded a corner as the singers finished laughing and swearing, and were faced with about half the Boragravian detachment being carried or dragged by five of them. Granted one of them was a troll the could have given Bluejohn a run for his money and was dragging five in each hand and had one each shoulder but it was still a thing to see.

They staggered to halt at the sight of the watchmen and there was a flicker of something dark in some of their faces as a deep instinct took over for a split second and hands went to swords. The moment passed and the laughing resumed as a there was a solid thump as one of them walked into the back of the troll. He cursed colourfully, falling backwards on to the dwarf who shoved him off causing him roll to the floor. Angua sighed, he had never been able to handle his drink, or watched where he was going for that matter.

"Sargent Perks" Carrot said "May I ask where you are going?"

Polly smiled and said "Back to base"

Mal was not paying them much attention, being too absorbed in watch Mikhail trying to get up. A friend would have helped him up, Mal thought to her self, but a good friend would have taken an iconograph. At last he got to his feet and spotted Angua. His face split into a wide grin and he said "ANGUA!"

As he half stepped, half fell toward her she stepped back at just the right moment cause him to fall back to the floor. He rolled over to look up at her and said "Mean!"

"Infantile" Angua said, crossing her arms with a slight smile.

"Stupid head"

Captain Carrot was saying something but Mal had zoned out of the conversation and into Polly. She was not, in Mal humble opinion, nearly drunk enough and what sort of a best friend and lover would she be if she let Polly stay this not drunk enough? They had started walking again and Mikhail started to sing again, Mal grinned it was another good one.

_'Twas on the good ship Venus, _

_By Christ you should have seen us, _

_The figure head was a whore in bad, _

_Sucking a dead man's penis_

* * *

Well they you go! Told you there was vulgar-ness, but in, my opinion at least, funny and not a word a lie great fun to sing after a drink or lots, but I would go to youtube if you don't know it to get the tune of it or The Good Ship Venus because that one is a laugh too. Oh and what Mal said about not drinking sitting down, yeah true story bro! But seriously if you get wasted with out standing up all you will feel is a funny warmth in your legs and then you'll stand up and then you'll fall over. Man those tiles were hard. Anyway enough of my reminiscing I HAVE A CHAPTER TO WRITE! Please do rate and review and in the mean time, as Bob Marley said Be Happy!


	10. Hindsight in an Ugly Thing

Yo! hows readers doing then? Good? Good and if not well think of this and smile, on the surface swans look noble and majestic but underneath the water their tiny feet never stop flapping. ON WITH THE STORY!

* * *

A cool evening breeze was wafting in from the three sets of double doors which had been thrown wide to cool the crowded mess hall where most of the Borogravian detachment were sat relaxing. Someone had had managed to get the Jukebox going and had fill the room with some pretty good music and it mingled with the chatter and laughing of the soldiers. Polly and Mal along with the other NCO's were sat at a table in the corner playing cards and generally having a good time. Yet despite relaxed situation Mal was just a little on edge. It had been nearly three days since Major Lock had had to get them from the City Watch cells, he had only set them P.T and that was not his style, oh no he was far more creative then that. He had also been unusually cheerful, always a bad thing from a man who's was the very personification of the word 'snarky'.

They had only been set P.T by Major Lock and that was not his style. No he was much more inventive then that; no they were just waiting for when inflicted whatever inventive and most likely unusual punishment his twisted little mind could come up with.

Still on the bright side it was a nice evening, she was surrounded by good friends, she had a beer in her hand, no one was trying to kill them and she with the love of her life. When she took all that in to consideration the there really was no grounds to be complaining about a Rupert, who dispute all their moaning and bitching was actually competent and a laugh in a dry, sarcastic sort of way.

What really top off her happy felling was that this damn trip was nearly over, she only had to keep her head down for a bit longer.

_'yes and then you can slink off back to Borogravia like a coward'._

That was not a welcome thought, it was one of those ones that appear out of nowhere and leave a bad taste in your head. It was all the more unpleasant for the ring of truth too it. It had been over ten years since she had seen or heard from any of them, in hide sight she had been a reckless and foolish kid but she had been so angry. Anyone who ever said that hind sight was a beautiful thing was either a liar or a fool, it was terrible thing to look back at all those rash words and stupid, spiteful little actions. She sighed inwardly again, she was a grown woman now, not some angry child, perhaps it was time to try and make it up; but not here, no she would face this on her own terms. They were due some leave soon, instead of going back to The Duchess with Polly she could go and... well she could see them at least...

_ 'Apologize?'_

Oh there was another one of those sneaky thoughts but it was a point.

Her internal dialogue was interrupted by Major Lock sticking his head and shouting "SARGENT PERKS!"

She joined the laughing as Polly cursed but was cut short.

"CORPORAL MALADICTA! FROUNT AND CENTER!"

"Bugger" She said throwing down her cards and thinking here comes the real punishment.

The other seemed to be thinking along the same lines because Mikhail said laughing "Don't worry, I'm sure what ever he wants you for will be fun"

"BATH TIME!" Mal spat at him.

He viable paled and dropped his cards before he managed to get a hold of himself and called after her "MEAN!"

That got a laugh from the assembled soldiers and Polly said quietly "Well that was childish" but she was smiling.

"Aww, you love it really"

Major Lock was waiting just outside the door wearing his number ones and an evil little grin.

They saluted and said "Sir"

"Ah Sargent, Corporal! So good to see you both" He said with sarcastic happiness.

"What can we do for you Sir" Polly said suspiciously.

"Well Sargent I am glad you asked" he said in the same sarcastically happy tone "You see there is what we could call a bit of a soiree at the patricians plaice tonight for those her for the diplomatic summit"

Mal did not like where this seemed to be going and judging by the look on Polly's face neither did she.

"And I thought to my self what better way to demonstrate the Borogravian army at it's best then by having our finest Sargent and Corporal attend!" His face and voice dead became serious and said "Best behaviour or there will be _consequences_"

There was a long pause as he looked from one to the other making sure that they were perfectly clear that that was no joke. He said "Well, why are you still here? Shouldn't you be putting one your best uniform? Go on, dismissed"

They saluted again and left. Once out of ear shot Polly cursed and called Lock some colourful names. Mall did say anything, she felt sick with apprehension.

Polly looked at her with concern and said "What's the chance that the people you are trying to avoid won't be there?"

"Less then none" Mal said darkly and cut Polly off before she could say anything "I don't wish to discuss it"

Polly raised her hands in a calming gesture and said "What ever makes you happy, we'll just find somewhere quiet to hide and try and slope off as early as possible"

Mal could not help but grin as she went into her own room to change. That was one of the things that she loved about Polly; the way she was so calmly practical and knew when not to ask questions. It was always calming when things were going tits up to have Polly with you, she was always so unruffled.

Mal checked her self in the mirror and wonder if you could be unruffled then could you be ruffled?

She rejoined Polly and grinned saying "have I ever told you how devilishly sexy that makes you look my dear?"

"On multiple occasions, in fact every time I wear it you end up taking it o-"

She stopped as Major lock appeared and said in deep exasperation "You both appear to be missing something"

Polly pulled a fake confused look and said "And what would that be Sir?"

"Medals, Sargent"

Polly smiled and said "Ah, well Sir bit of a problem there you see, I seem to have forgotten to pack them sir"

Mal nodded and said "You know how it is sir, small things can sometimes end up forgotten"

To her horror the Major did not stop smiling and said "I know exactly what you mean! And seeing as how you were both so busy organising the troops I made sure I packed them!" He produced two cases with a flourish and added "I have even taken the liberty of putting a nice shine on them! I must say I was unimpressed with there condition"

Polly scowled deeply and said "Sir! You know how I feel about those damned things!"

"Yes Perks, you have made your thoughts perfectly clear on multiple occasions" He said in a voice that dripped with sarcasm "But the rules are perfectly clear on this. Everyone who has them has to wear there medals with there number ones. So put them on and stop moaning to me about, it is not my decision"

Polly's scowl deepened but she made no more protest and took the offered case. Mal did the same and as they made their way to the party she hoped that was not going to be a night to remember.

* * *

Oooo! Stuff is a happening! Oh things! 'n stuff! Anyway, pleas rate and review, I do love those and I will be back toot sweet! Ta Ta! Spread the love and all that jazz!


	11. Drink, Tobacco and Company Good Night

Well here it be! Sorry about how short the last two were, no matter how much I tell myself long one long one long one they all seem to end up flowing into short ones. I dunno, well anyway please do enjoy!

* * *

It did not take long to reach the Patricians Plaice but they travelled in a style that Polly was not use to and that was putting it lightly. When they got there Polly was vaguely aware that she should have been blown away by the grandeur of the place but all she could think was that it would be a bugger to have to clean a place that size. The hall that the party was in was not as large as she was expecting but it was still a big room and it was full of people with enough different types of ceremonial best dress to make the head of the open mined spin and the closed minded explode. There was a band at the far end of the room filling the air with tasteful background music and waiters were moving artfully though the crowd with trays of drinks and what Polly was going to have to assume was food because people were eating it but she had no idea what it actually was. It was as far from the what ever animal it had come from as scubbo but it seemed to have gone in the opposite direction.

All of this left Polly feeling distinctly like a fish out of water, she looked across at Mal who was scanning the room looking for who ever it was she was so desperate to avoid. Polly wonder what or who could be so bad that Mal wouldn't even her about it. Duchess knew they had been though hell together, what could be so awful that she couldn't tell her about it? Still Polly knew better then to pry, it was Mal's secret and if she did not want to tell Polly then that was it. That was not to say that she didn't want to know, who in Nuggen's name wouldn't want to know in her position? Polly was sure though that if it was important then Mal would tell her in her own time.

Polly unconsciously rolled a fag and had it half way to her lips before a young waitress appeared in front of her and said "If you pleas Miss, there is a wide range of tobacco, cigarettes, and cigars available to guests in the smoking room"

Mal's head jerked round and she said "Smoking room?"

"Yes Miss" Said the waitress a little taken aback "Right this way Miss"

It would seem that they had found their place to skulk Polly thought as they followed the waitress through a door into a smaller room but no less rich room. There were two snooker tables, one of which was in use, a darts bored, a bar that had not just the regular display of expensive spirits but a wide rang of tobacco products, the barman was an older gentleman who gave them a polite nod as they entered, and there were also a number of comfortable looking leather armchairs around small tables. It was a dark room with it's black carpet, ebony wood panelled walls, dark green armchairs and snooker table skins and the tables crafted of the same wood that panelled the walls. There were two venerable old men sitting one of the tables playing chess; she wondered if Lord Vetinari had had them placed there to give the room the ambiance. From what she had heard of the man she would not have put it passed him and it certainly worked. There was an air of dignified quiet and of men who had gone as far as they were going to go and they were happy but it wasn't quite as far as they had dreamed they would go. It also seemed like an excellent place for men who didn't like parties to hide from their wives; which it was almost certainly it's purpose.

It would certainly server there own purpose well enough. They sat down near the back of the room, Mal with her back to the door and low in her chair so that if who ever it was she was hiding from did come in there would be a good chance that they would not see her.

As Polly lit her roll up Mal settled deeper into her chair and closed her eyes, listening hard. After an extended pause she said "OK, I think we will be all right here"

"Speak for yourself" Polly said, also settling into her chair and taking a deep pull, she blew a smoke ring and in response to Mal's raised eyebrow "I reckon we are in for a long hale here and I don't think I have enough tobacco for another one"

Mal tilted her head to on side and raising an eyebrow said "Polly, you are aware where we are, yes? That bar has enough to keep even you happy"

Polly leaned forward to get a better look at the bar over Mal's shoulder and said "Yes..." She looked back to Mal "But I have no idea what any of them are"

Mal laughed quietly, saying"Really?"

Polly leaned back and blew three more smoke rings then shot a smoke dart though them.

"Hn, show off"

"Jealous" She did a few more tricks causing Mal to scowl, she had never been able to get the hang of it herself and had been deeply annoyed that Polly had a natural talent for them. Polly thought that it was good for Mal to be reminded that she was not the best at everything, it stopped her head getting too big.

Polly did a few more tricks just to annoy Mal but will punished for such meanness by her cigarette finishing far too quickly. She sighed and opened her tin to see if she could scrape together one more smoke.

"Well, I've probably got enough dogends for one more" She said resignedly.

Mal's hand moved so fast Polly didn't even see it flicker. One minuet it was on the arm of her chair the next she was holding the tin and saying forcefully "_No, _no I will not allow it" she court Polly's look and gave her a toothy grin "You can not smoke those foul old things when there is widest range of tobacco I have ever seen on offer"

Polly sighed again and said "Is there any point in telling you I'm the bloody Sargent here?"

Mal considered this for a moment and still grinning said "No dear"

Polly cursed and said "All bloody right then".

She stood up and snatched the tin out of Mal's unresisting hand who called after saying "And get some drinks while your up"

Polly called her something that made the men playing chess pause with raised eyebrows and perverted, dirty old man grins.

Polly stopped in fount of the bar with the confused look of someone who is a long way out of their depth.

The barman gave her a knowing smile and said in a gravely but friendly voice "What can I do for you Sargent?"

"Err... How much is this stuff?" Polly asked with apprehension.

"It's all on his Lordships pleasure"

"Right..." That did not help, a value gauge would have been useful. She really had no idea what any of the tobacco or even drinks were, the out of place feeling intensified "Bottle of Whisky and two tumblers"

"What type of Whisky?" The barman said putting the glasses on the bar. At her blank, slightly panicked look he pull out a bottle and offered it saying "I would suggest this, I have always found that it tends to be popular with the rank and file"

Polly decided to trust his judgement and accepted the bottle.

"Anything else Sargent?"

She turned her attention to the wide range of tobacco with the same blank panicked look and tried to guess which one would be closest to her own. It was no good, her usual probably didn't even count as tobacco to the people who made this stuff.

She cursed on the general principal that this usually help and pulling out her own battered pouch said "What have you got that's like this?"

He took the proffered pouch with a wry smile and said "not much I'm afraid" He examined his stock and then said "But I think this is as close as you will come to it" He handed her a pouch.

She thanked him and returned to their table where she found Mal clutching her sides, with her knuckles stuffed in her mouth and shaking with suppressed laughter.

Polly sat down and pouring self asked "What's so damn funny"

"You" Mal said simply taking the bottle.

"Hows that?"

"Well I have seen you charge down heavy cavalry, fight trolls with nothing but a knuckle duster, I would follow you into hell, you are them most courageous woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and yet when in an even slightly" she paused, trying to find the right word "Hmm... Cultural setting you go to pieces"

"I'm the most courageous woman you've ever meet?" Polly said innocently; despite her 'I'm such a composed vampire' thing Mal was fantastically easy to distract once you knew how and Polly was a master. The key was to remember that despite her now course and mischievous behaviour she was of the same stock and upbringing as the Rupert's, so it was just a matter of applying her wide and varied tricks for dealing with them on Mal.

Mal changed the subject so quickly and smoothly it was almost funny. She lifted the not small bottle of whisky with a raised eyebrow.

Polly said shrugging and rolling her self another cigarette "Like I said we're in for a long sit and since this is hardly an O.P we might as well enjoy our selves"

Mal watched her roll and said "You smoke t-"

Polly cut her off "to much, yes you said but in my defence I hardly had any of the last one"

"Shouldn't have been showing off"

"What like this?" Polly blew the three rings and arrow again, then did a waterfall and went on with a grin "Or like that?"

Mal scowled but made no comment and after a few hours spent in reasonable enjoyment decided that she might just get away with this.

This just goes to show it's best not the judge the night until the morning.

* * *

Ahh, nice to get one out. Did you like? I will be along with the next one soon peeps so be chillin till then. Please review! I love those things. See you around folks.


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